Hello darlings,

I’ve been absent for a while. Interviews on the other side of the country, blizzards trapping me in strange states, and treating frostbite have taken care of that.

I’ll make a longer post soon. But I am alive. Kisses.

I had a dream last night that I had an incredibly fun session, wherein I pretended to be a bird of prey, and my sub was a tiny creature that I was capturing to eat.

Lots of pecking and scratching. I loved watching them crawl away in fear, but their eyes were still full of desire. They wanted to be devoured by this bird…and really, who could blame them?

Mmm. Anyone wanna do this? I feel like I have so many great ideas for sessions, but none of the subs who contact me are into creative play. Why is this? Surely I’m more than just a fat domme with big breasts to some of you? I won’t play unless it inspires me, so seriously cut it out with the two sentence emails without even so much as a greeting about my height and weight, as if thats all that matters here. I’m sick of it, so cut it out. Write me something -interesting-. If I’m going to play with you, I want to at least be invested in your fantasies and excited by them! How can I do that if the fantasy part is missing entirely? I mean, really, yall stupid or something?

And I’m shaving my head tonight, I think. There will be pictures.

Chin up and stay tuned.

Hello, darlings, I’m back. I had a less than fabulous time in South Carolina, but ended up running off to New Orleans to ring in the New Year. I’m very superstitious about where one spends the first few minutes of a new year- the energy effects the tone of the rest of the time. The energy was too thick and negative in South Carolina; I needed to be where people were enjoying themselves and giving it all up to pleasure.

And give it up I did, as well. There were so many beautiful things to do in New Orleans, and so many gorgeous people. The city itself glows with positivity and hospitality. We attended a wedding on top of an abandoned factory (talk about sensory deprivation and trust- it was pitch black with only a few candles, and any wrong step and you could fall 20 stories), followed by a reception in a queer bath house where even in January, outdoor hottubbing was delightful. There were so many beautiful people crowded into the jacuzzi, that you couldn’t breathe without your skin skimming against the softness of those around you, and the warmth was communal and alive.

I miss New Orleans. There is a rich voodoo culture down there that you can bet I didn’t ignore. I have several new spiritual toys to play with, for those daring enough to ask. Even my readings of people were better in New Orleans. I read fortunes on the street down in Jackson Square for a while, and even I was impressed with my abilities. Now, my intuition is generally very good, but I’m not as practiced at giving intuitive readings as I am at interpreting random symbols or cards. Neverless, I gave people readings that frightened them. One girl even ran into the street and screamed that I was a witch haha. Well…?

But I am back and inspired from all the lovely people I met and good vibes I picked up. My new years resolutions are still secret for the most part, but one that doesn’t need to be secret is that this year, I want to be absolutely shameless. I want to do everything I’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t done. Or have only done to a comfortable point. I don’t want to regret anything this year, and just be fabulous and fucking alive.

I’ve always wanted to shave half of my hair off, leave a few microbraids, and tie objects into them. So I’m going to do it.

My hair is pretty long and thick, so it’d be something to see, if you’re interested. You should EMAIL me, if so, because my cell provider has been a complete shit to me lately and I don’t get all of my calls.

Email soon, too, because this shit is happening this week!

Hello all,

I will be in South Carolina from tomorrow until the day before New Years, so Merry Christmas (if you’re into that kind of thing), and see you in the new years!

If anyone is interested in sessions in South Carolina, feel free to contact me. Internet is harder to come by, so call instead.

<3

Azusza

On the 19th, we’re going to be celebrating Maitresse Marcelle’s birthday! This is a very special event for me, so everyone be sure to RSVP for it. Donation is $50.

Marcelle and I have been best friends forever and I love her very much. She is nothing short of pure brilliance, and she is amazingly beautiful, too, no? She was my first experience in BDSM, also. I’d always been curious, but she turned me into quite the little pervert, I must say, and I will always remember that fondly. Of the few people who can top me, she was the first, and she was the first person I’d ever consciously topped before.

I remember we spent a large portion of a certain summer sampling the off-road sex shops in the Carolinas, trying to find good deals on all kinds of whips and crops and restraints. We had such a great time trying them all out and working scenes around them. Our scenes have always been the hottest shit around, so having extra toys meant it just plain got crazyyy. Ahh. Such good memories.

Get her nice presents, ok? Or give me some money to buy her something I know she’ll like. If anyone wants suggestions, also, you should email me, because I know her very, very well.

Who knows, maybe we’ll do a special scene at the party?

Seriously, you should be there!

It took me nearly an hour to wrestle my car free from ice yesterday! Wrapped so tightly in its heinous clutches, I couldn’t even open the trunk to get the scraper out. I ended up having to use a painting that was in queue to be brought out of the backseat. My 10th grade art teacher wasn’t kidding when he said acrylic is indestructible!

I’ve been doing a lot more painting since I moved into my new apartment. I’ve also been crafting things, like a paper lantern with doll parts, to create a chandelier of fractured femininity. I’ve also started working on my third feature length script…which promises to be just as bizarre and surreal as the others.

It’s strange to me, what with the seasons changing, how my mood has actually been cheery, rather than sullen, as it tends to get in the winter months. I’m usually somewhat of a reckless moth- blowing all of my cash to drive like hell to where it’s warm for random and unplanned vacations in whatever deserts seem good at the time. I remember one time, I woke up, was too cold, and drove as far west as I possibly could before the sun set. I ended up in Kansas. My average speed was 130.

But this December, I’m actually kind of enjoying the cold and using it as a nice backdrop to cuddling and keeping super warm. There’s actually a strange comfort in existing despite once’s surroundings. Or maybe I’ve just lived in a heatless apartment for enough years now that I’m more tolerant to cold than I used to be haha. My new apartment doesn’t have heat yet, either. But it does have hot water, so there’s a step up, right?

One of my new room mates has a Rottweiler! This is above and beyond anything I could ask for in a room mate. I love Rottweilers! I love that they love to wrestle and bite and really get into playing with you. Some dogs play really gentle and don’t quite give it their all. This is shameful, you know, because hey, we should really try out best all the time, even if we’re dogs. But yeah, this Rottweiler is crazy and always tearing through things and up to play. It makes me miss my dogs not so horribly.

Sooo…while I’m being so productive and in a good mood, you should really come play with me, too!

My internet has been a bit come and go during my move, so despite the endless creative potential inherent in moving, I really, really, really miss getting my perv fix on!

So you should call me on nightlfirt, and talk about whatever’s on your mind. I’m really into humiliation lately, so those of you who’ve been cuckolded, or want to be, or think you should be; those of you who have tiny penises that could never please any woman or any man; those of you with filthy corporate jobs who sold your humanity to an even filthier system?

http://beta.niteflirt.com/listings/show/9380442

Make it hot.

So I’ve been working on my place and moving all weekend, which has been ridiculously stressful. I need some good, kinky fun to relax after all this serious bullshit! I want to be playful! I’ve been reading a lot of erotica in my spare time, and oh, I am so full of ideas.

Also, the whole gluttony element of the holiday spirit makes me sooo hungry. I just want to eat and eat and force others to eat with me. I have a feedee slave, did you know? I love to go out with him, order him the most fattening things on the menu, and watch his stomach extend as he eats everything that he is commanded to. I love watching his lips covered in sauce, his buttons pulling apart, his breathing heavier. It’s so very sexy and exciting!

Indulgence is something we’re so often told is wrong, but I am an unapologetic hedonist, and seeing others revel in their own desires is one of my favorite sights. My boyfriend always jokes that I’m the devil…if you need coaxing towards something “wrong”, I’m all the cheerleader anyone needs!

I want to watch others stuff their faces. Enough of this fighting the holiday weight gain. I want you to gain weight this holiday season, for me. I want to track your progress like a prized hog. I want to spit and step and crush your food before you eat it- I want you to eat it off of my feet like a starving dog and from my hands like a little bird.

Ahh…where are all the fun subs at? I keep getting calls where men who clearly haven’t looked at my pictures are asking me what I look like, and emails asking for “just some domination”…that’s it, so vague, right? That isn’t what I enjoy, guys! Let’s work together to create a truly decadent, unforgettable scene, that you will look back on with such a strong mixture of emotions that you’ll want to repeat it for years to come!

But seriously, I’m so sick of moving. Spice up my life! Book a session!

So, today is a day of remembrance towards indigenous genocide, highlighted by unintentional turkey effigy. What is everyone doing?

You could be sessioning, you know! Call me. I seriously hate Thanksgiving, and don’t have any qualms at all about coming in and seeing you. We could run a pilgrim and “indian” scene. Except you’d be the pilgrim and I’d capture you, torture you, then send you back where you came from.

This evening I’m going to have dinner with the beautiful and wonderful Maitresse Marcelle and her family. This is my first time not spending Thanksgiving with my family, and although I miss them, I am definitely not going to miss having awkward conversations about “the future”.

Why do people feel the need to plan every minute of their lives towards some imaginary end, that may not even be right for them by the time they reach it? I find it much more fulfilling to live in the present and thoroughly exhaust every impulse it gives me. How else could I recognize a good “future”, unless I understood how it was unfolding? If you always concentrate on ten years from now, you’re basically planning to waste ten years of your life. That said, not everyone in my family understands that, and I’m happy to not have to explain it, on top of why I don’t drink Coke, eat meat, refined sugar, fruit from certain importers, etc. Why I’m happy *gasp* with my weight, why this, why that, why why whyyyy.

Buuut…what sucks the most, though, about being up here for Thanksgiving (because I’m from SC), is not seeing my dogs! I miss them so much! I have an Italian Greyhound, chihuahua, Labrador mix, and there was a Basset Hound, but he died two months ago. My dogs are the soul of my family and being away from them breaks my heart. Holidays are synonymous with puppy kisses! I am empty in the lack! ;_;

Ok…back to bleaching my hair. I’m gonna be so blonde, it’ll be bad for you! (And me- ha!)

Enjoy your holiday! Remember what died to make it possible.

So today should be a very fun day at Holy Mountain- we are celebrating the glory of the existence of Miss Panic! I’m sure it’ll be a great party. I’m going to try my best to come (you can meet me, yay), but it may not work out (sad). This has everything to do with I’m in the middle of moving this weekend, and nothing to do with anything else.

My new house is a converted warehouse with lots of secret rooms! There is, for instance, a whole room full of bricks! There is also a private roof the size of a parking lot, two stages, a piano, and a bathroom with a swing. I have a fantasy of filling the bathroom with tropical birds, who will in turn flock to the swing, and fill the room with Xtabay-esque cries while I bathe and shower. Just picture the steam and the colors! Ah, the steam and the colors.

I had a dream the other night about birds, but they weren’t tropical. I was living in a decaying house on a flooded island, and it was a bit like how I picture the casa in Donoso’s The Obscene Bird of Night (one of my favorite books, btw), almost a city unto itself in the midst of a city built around it. Obviously the owner of said place in my dream, like in OBON, had long since lost the majority of their prominence and all respect paid to them by the people of the village was more out of a need for tradition than out of actual economic/social injustice.

The owner of the casa in my dream was an older man, and my primary reason for living there with him was to tell him how to make the most of his decaying empire; you could see an ocean so blue it almost blinded into a grey, and there were thousands of these tiny, green, yellow, and blue birds. They had bodies the size of hummingbirds, but wingspans about the size of African Grey’s.

At one point in my dream, I was running through this train tunnel (there was an old trolley kind of train with a tunnel that stopped at the casa), looked up, and realized that there were hundreds and hundreds of these tiny birds lining the ceilings, with their wings pinned back like how people display butterflies. However, unlike the butterflies, pressed in glass and dead, these birds were still alive and trying to flap their wings against the wires, and the sound of the strained flapping echoed almost infinitely. As soon as I noticed what was happening, other birds, the same sort, came and started to bite and pull the wires out of the pinned birds, and even though there was some blood, the pinned birds were all set free and flew back towards the ocean.

I want to get a tattoo now of a pinned bird being freed by another bird. It would be so beautiful! I relate to bird’s anyway. Whenever I read my Loteria cards (kind of like Tarot, but more free association than strict interpretation; Loteria is actually a game, but in some folk magic, they can be read to tell the future, get advice, etc.), I always pull a card of a green and yellow bird to represent me.

The image was striking to me for a number of reasons, apart from my own affinity with birds. Obviously having been trapped for the beauty of the size and shape and color of their wings, it would be easy for the birds to resent their position as lovely creatures. They may internalize their bitterness at a world that would pin them for being rare and gorgeous, and subsequently come to hate themselves and their appearance. However, it was their mirror image, the other birds, that came and set them free. The cuts and injuries to their wings in the process would always differentiate them from the other birds, but ultimately, it just made me think of the position of women in society, and how even though being a beautiful woman can restrain you and damage you, in the end, your beauty can be a freeing gift. Often it is the things you have been made to abhor within yourself that can save you. Sometimes the break-up between display object and free entity leaves scars on you; but they heal and you and your mirror can fly to the ocean together.

This relates to my domming, because I see Femdom as a relative situation to these birds. Beautiful women, who, as women in a patriarchy, are often pinned so that our wings can bring visual pleasure, or financially pinned so that our bodies can bring physical pleasure. We learn to hate ourselves and feel disgusts with the bodies that become our currency. We learn to stop struggling against the wires that bind us and tell ourselves that we enjoy the attention, while not enjoying what defines us on our terms, not the world’s.

Femdom, to me, as a woman, is about rejecting this kind of existence and allowing beauty, poise, and intelligence (big reasons for pinning women/birds), to free me, instead of inhibit me- to give me the power that is mine to return to my ocean, instead of relaxing against wires driven inside of me and hoping someday they weaken. The flight is beautiful and the beholder is blessed. Those men who submit to women are those who truly understand and revere those who can free themselves, who by knowing freedom can free others, if they’re open to it.

Anyway, I know I’m just rambling, but I woke up and wanted to share my dream with everyone. See you at HM later, hopefully, and if not, tell Miss Panic Happy Birthday and give her something nice!

Waking up, no makeup.

Thus spake Azusza.