New Art!
Apr 22, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
I’ve been busy with my hands, and painting up a storm.
Almost completed slave brians commissioned painting. So far this is 11 hours of work, and it needs about another 11 hours, of layers, textures, and you know, some of the good stuff =)
Also, made some tiny canvas’s and sold some pieces this week.
Taking down my 13 canvas’s at Bon Bon this week, as well as 3 Birds Gallery, so if you haven’t gone to see my work yet – you should! About 8 days left.
Then, I’m collabrating with a new genius artist I met, we’re hitting the store tomorrow to buy canvas and work on a show together for July for a new cafe called Filter. I’m suppppper exxxxcited, this guy’s work is 10 times sicker than mine, and for some reason he’s down for creating awesomeness with me!
Also, I recently went into a bar called Mutiny, and fell in love with the ceiling. Each panel had been painted by an artist.
So … little me, said ” I see you have 5 white panels left … how about one of those comes home with me? ” and I got a ‘YES!’ So, I’m happy to say my art is going to be apart of a bar’s ceiling. When I’m done with the panel, I will gladly post it!
Here are some of the new paintings I’ve done, since I’ve been down in the dumps.
P.S. Feeling better, and having positive support from my friends and family, has been overwhelmingly shocking, as well as the best thing ever. It’s brought me closer, to my dad, my mom, and my brothers. This break down of mine, might have been a blessing in disguise.
these are works in progress
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Wednesday Afternoon
Apr 19, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
I’m open for anyone who wants to take me shoe shopping in exchange for a pair of shoes.
I need shoes, I can walk in, and look great in for dresses / summer.
Going to get my boots I’ve had for 26 years (they were my moms) re soled and heeled AGAIN today.
But would really like this pair of shoes, or something similiar, in exchange for shoes I’ve worn in photo shoots.
I’m also lurking sale’s on free people.com and 80spurple.com, and found some cute summery items!
After all, I’ve become dependent on the sun, for my happiness.
After all my packing I’m getting done this week, by Wednesday early morning, say 11 am, I’m going to allow myself to go out into the world.
Slave Brian, if you’re available, I’m hinting at your company to take me for a spin through the streets.
Working on myself, desperately need to re vamp my hair. I’ve realized if I don’t take care of myself, and my looks it only adds to my depression. But if I feel good about myself, and I feel like I look good, I’ll convey more positiveness to others.
This is my logic, and so far I’m sticking to it.
Then Thursday, my slave from WI is coming to session! Horray! Busy week planned!!! And boy do I need it!
My phone bill
Apr 19, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
Since I’ve been down in the dumps, I have lost track of bills, and kinda just let them go.
If anyone in interested in helping me get my phone up and running, it’s a 100.00 bill I have this month, and … yo tengo, no dinerno.
=(
If anyone cares to pay pal me. I’d be most appreciative.
Therapy # 2
Apr 17, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
Today was really hard, and I’m just going to leave it at that.
I don’t expect it to be easy, I’m just hoping for an “emotional break” soon.
New Portrait, age 26.5
Apr 17, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
Today was great.
I woke up refreshed, I opened the windows, and started packing. I’m doing my best to think positive.
I packed for 6 hours, getting detracted every now and again, then went over to a friends house. As soon as I got there we went on a cupcake adventure! And score!!! We found the most amazing, cupcakery! There were cute cupcakes painted all over the walls, and the cupcakes themselves were delicious, and cheap! But more soooo delicious! I had a yellow cake one, with butter frosting, and inside was strawberry mouse, and it was topped with sprinkles, and it was only $ 1. 10 !!!!! I only ate one, but my friends each got four, they even had vegan ones that they said were bad ass!
And on the way home, I picked flowers and put them in my hair.
Now, I’m about to go out with some friends, relax for a few hours before beginning my day tomorrow.
Also, spoke with my dad today, and the man spoke his almighty wisdom to me.
“I’m beautiful, no matter what.” and “You are you’re own best friend.”
“Everyday is a stepping stone to a better life. Pick your stones wisely, and pursue your dreams.”
He makes so much sense. I’m taking his advice!
Onward – recovery!
If you want to cheer me up
Apr 14, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
Been getting some emails, on people wanting to help me, but can’t help me so much. So, I have changed my nite flirt price to 2.99 a minute, for those who want to call and offer inspiration, advice, or share stories. I’m in the mood for some cheering up – it’s turned on all day today, so gimme a call, it’d be nice to hear your voice.
Today, I’m packing boxes all by my lonesome. So gimme a call =)
Needs a NICE DAY SOON
Apr 14, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
So, today has been another hard day.
I found out a very dear friend of mine, is in immense pain. His sister in law just had a baby, and then recently found a lump in her breast. She went to get it checked out, and it turned out to be cancer. The cancer has already spread so much, that the doctors say surgery won’t help. She is waiting to die, and they gave her just a few weeks. I know he’s hurting, he is hurting for his brother, his sister in law …. right now, she’s video taping everything in her life, so her son knows he had a mother.
This breaks my heart.
My heart feels broken too. For a lot of reasons. Personal reasons, in which I wish not to disclose. But I feel it. My head, and my heart are colliding. I feel overwhelmed, and on the verge of tears daily.
Actually today, I cried in the grocery store. I needed an embrace, so I put the cart aside, and held on … for five minutes without a word, and shed a few tears. Picked the cart back up and carried on my way. Sometimes, I just need a moment. I need the world to stop, and I need to breath. I need to feel my breath from my lungs, I need to smell the flowers, and I need to calm my emotions.
I spent some alone time today in my favorite book store, called Quimbys. Mistress Zaynab got me a gift card for there for my birthday. Best gift ever!!! I went in today, and found 2 books I wanted, so bad, but put back because I don’t have the money at all to spend on books. I needed groceries more, and boxes and tape to move. But … my book shelf is one of my prized possessions. I was recently told, that if I ever hurt this person, their way of getting me back was going to be to burn all of my clothing. I told them, it wouldn’t hurt me. I’m still who I am, without my dresses, though they do make me happy, they make me feel pretty. But, it’s my books, and my art that I collect that I truly embrace. They are my prized pieces.
So, in therapy. I’ve learned, that if I don’t ask – I’ll never know. So, I’m asking politely. If anyone would want to send me a tribute, for books, for inspiration and knowledge – something for me to drown myself in; rather than my own head.
The books I saw, were $20.00, and $39.00 – photography/art based.
And, then I fell in love with this dress today at Urban Outfitters. (I’ve been walking and window shopping 3 miles a day, it helps clear the head)
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=60&startValue=1&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=17642984&parentid=W_APP_DRESSES&sortProperties=+subCategoryPosition,+product.marketingPriority,-product.startDate&navCount=1218&navAction=poppushpush&color=&pushId=W_APP_DRESSES&popId=WOMENS&prepushId=&selectedProductSize=
Blue, size small, $68.00
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=60&startValue=1&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=17642984&parentid=W_APP_DRESSES&sortProperties=+subCategoryPosition,+product.marketingPriority,-product.startDate&navCount=1218&navAction=poppushpush&color=&pushId=W_APP_DRESSES&popId=WOMENS&prepushId=&selectedProductSize=
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=60&startValue=1&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=17979709&parentid=W_APP_DRESSES&sortProperties=+subCategoryPosition,+product.marketingPriority,-product.startDate&navCount=1218&navAction=poppushpush&color=&pushId=W_APP_DRESSES&popId=WOMENS&prepushId=&selectedProductSize=
This one is sage, I need a size small, and it’s 58.00 dollars.
Do I deserve a reward for being brave, having my heart torn out and handed back to me, admitting I have issues and instead of running away running towards them?
Yes. I think I do deserve these, and some books.
Then, on to recovery with classy style!
(I might be losing my mind, but style doesn’t fade.)
Reward me, please!
Is only happy
Apr 13, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
when I’m in the book store, and then becomes unhappy again, because I can’t afford any of the books I want.
The cruelest thing anyone could do to me, is set fire to my art and books.
Ouch
Apr 13, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
My wrists are cut, bruised, and bleeding from the leash breaking …
I was in the middle of 3 rotweiler dogs today, and is traumatized, sore, and bloody.
Today was fantastic, and then it sucked, when I was in the gravel on top of a dog, being called a “fucking cunt” by the other dog owner …
I hope everyone can remember, that each person is going through a battle in their own life. There’s NO NEED to be rude, for NO REASON. You don’t truly know how much you hurt a person.
And for fuck sakes, “Cunt” is not appropiate at 2pm, it’s a dinner word, after 7pm people, you can only say “cunt” after dinner!!! lol
And bitch, please! Your 2 dogs, attacked US!
This is how I feel today.
I’m ready for Saturday so I can talk to my therapist again. I have a lot to say already….
Day One of Therapy
Apr 12, 2010 A Day in the Life of Miss Panic
So, like I said – I’ve started therapy.
And I cried, before I even left my house. I was so nervous on how I was going to be percieved, I didn’t know what to wear, I didn’t know what was going to happen.
However, I did feel proud to say that I was going to come out and say I had a problem.
I was the first one to get there, then I met the therapist, and then a few people started to trickle in for the group therapy. Everyone was sweet in welcoming me, knowing it was my first time.
My first thought, was … today I’m going to listen. I’m not going to share. But after the first meditation reading, I related so much, and as other’s started to share… I found myself talking, so much. I felt good, talking to strangers who don’t know me as “Miss Panic” but as just another person trying to make it in this world.
I opened up. I cried. I told secrets.
Then I walked 3.5 miles back home (I need a bike!) and I soaked in everything I learned.
1. I am entitled to my own feelings. Feelings shouldn’t be secrets.
2. I need to know, what I want, and what I need in life. And learn how to ask for it. What’s the worst that can happen? I don’t get it – so then I find a way to do it.
3. I am very much so, a “go getter”. I take after my father in that respect. And if I’m unhappy, what’s stopping me from finding my own happiness? The answer is nothing. I shouldn’t settle, and I shouldn’t feel buried in a grave …
4. I’m normal. Well, hahaha, not exxxactly normal, I’m unique in a lot of ways. But I can now realize (still accepting) that other people are fighting their own personal battles on a daily basis. We are all imperfect, we all have secrets, we all want to be someone …
5. I’m going to be someone. I’m going to make myself into what I want to become. Does this make sense? For instance. I want to expand my modeling and art. So, therefore I designed my own business cards this week, unique in each photograph on them, so that depending on who I meet – I can give them a card to hire me or collabarate with me in the future. I’m networking, and only allowing my life to be filled with intelligent and creative individuals. This is what feeds my fire. I’m letting go, of all the childness in my life, all the enablers, all the drama queens … you were never welcome, but the “nuturer” in me, wanted to help you.
And most important, I have realized, I can’t nurture anyone else, until I nurture myself.
I’m going back to group therapy next week, and am excited to be on the road to becoming who I want to be.
Thanks for all the sweet comments, and encouragement you guys, I appreciate you all taking the time to check in with me, and for the geniune feelings.
